âWhen we needlessly apologise, we end up making ourselves small and diminish what weâre trying to expressâ.Â
Stop Saying Sorry
How often do you say sorry?
Are you genuinely apologising, or are you saying it to be polite or fill a silence?
If your answers to those questions are “at least ten times every day” and “yes”, then youâre not alone. An authoritative UK survey reported the average person says “sorry” around eight times a day â and one in eight people apologise up to 20 times a day.
Apologies kill our confidence
âHow apologies kill our confidenceâ is a fascinating TED talk by Canadian sociologist Maja Jovanovic. In this thought-provoking presentation, Jovanovic explains how she was enraged and heartbroken by how many of her academic colleagues, particularly women, routinely spoke in apologetic terms about themselves.
She shared an experience about a conference she attended where four women were on a panel. They were experts in their chosen fields, and between them, they had published hundreds of academic articles and dozens of books. All they had to do was introduce themselves.
The first woman took the microphone and said, âI donât know what I could possibly add to this discussionâ.
The second woman took the mic and said, âOh my gosh, I thought they sent the email to the wrong person. Iâm just so humbled to be hereâ.
The third and the fourth women continued in a similar vein.
Maja says, âWhen we needlessly apologise, we end up making ourselves small and diminish what weâre trying to expressâ.
She also tells the story of her research assistant, who said âsorryâ to the pizza delivery driver who was late with her order.
âOh my gosh, we live in a new sub development. Iâm so sorry. Did you have trouble finding this place?â
Regularly saying sorry when itâs not needed erodes our confidence leading to self-doubt and the rise of our inner-critic. Those with low self-esteem often over-apologise, as do perfectionists, because they set themselves unreasonably high standards, which they find hard to live up to.
So how can we get out of the habit of apologising when thereâs no need? Try these ideas to stop saying sorry:
1 â When youâre in a meeting, you could say “I have an idea” or “can I addâŚ?” instead of “sorry to interrupt”.
2 â Using “thank you” is a good strategy. Replace “sorry for going on” with “thank you for listening”.
3 â Instead of starting an email with âsorry for the delayâ, type âthank you for giving me the time to replyâ.
4 â When you need to have that important conversation with your boss, try “Is now a good time to chat?” instead of “sorry to bother you”.
5 â Acknowledge when things go wrong with conviction and confidence. “That didnât quite work, but I know how to solve it.”
And finally, the next time you have a little dance around someone on the street or in the supermarket whoâs got a bit too close, use “pardon me” or “after you” instead of “sorry”.
Of course, if it really is your bad, then a genuine apology will always be the right choice, a strength rather than a weakness. In the meantime, train your mind to park âsorryâ on the naughty step and empower your language.