Why Your Feedback Might Be Crushing Effort—and How to Fix It

Over dinner recently, a good friend, I’ll call her Rachel, told me she’d been given an unexpected bonus at work. At first, she seemed happy, but as we talked, I noticed an underlying tension. When I asked her about it, she shared the reason: when her manager handed her the bonus, they added, “Don’t get used to it.”

Ouch.

Rachel explained how that one comment overshadowed the recognition she’d worked so hard for. Instead of feeling proud or motivated to keep excelling, she felt deflated and unsure about the value of her effort.

Rachel’s story is a situation many of us have faced. We take a step forward, make an extra effort, or show up when it really matters, only to be met with sarcasm, criticism, or indifference. Maybe you’ve heard:

• “Oh, so you’re actually trying now?”
• “Why can’t you do this all the time?”
• “Don’t get too comfortable.”

Even when meant as a joke, these remarks sting. They send a message that effort isn’t valued, or worse, that it was expected all along. And according to psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, this kind of feedback does more than just hurt feelings, it actively undermines intrinsic motivation, the internal drive to improve for personal satisfaction.

So why do we often respond this way? And more importantly, how can we break the cycle and create an environment where effort is encouraged and progress thrives?

The Danger of Punishing Effort and Progress

My chat with Rachel highlights a universal truth: progress begins with effort. But effort is fragile, it needs encouragement to grow. When effort is dismissed or criticised, it sends the wrong message and creates a toxic cycle.

1. It signals that change isn’t valued.
   When sarcasm or criticism follows a positive step, it tells the person their effort doesn’t matter or is “too little, too late.” This discourages future attempts. Why bother trying if no one notices, or worse, if it leads to a put-down?
2. It creates a fear of failure.
   If effort is met with judgment or indifference, people may stop trying altogether. Fear of failing, when even success isn’t rewarded, makes stepping out of their comfort zone feel too risky.
3. It destroys trust and morale.
   Over time, consistent negativity breeds resentment and erodes trust, whether in workplaces, relationships, or teams. It’s hard to stay motivated when you don’t feel valued.

Gallup’s research on employee engagement shows this clearly: employees who felt their efforts were overlooked or criticised were twice as likely to disengage and eventually leave their jobs.

Flipping the Script: Encouraging and Recognising Effort

The good news? We can all learn to recognise effort and celebrate it in ways that build motivation and trust. Here’s how to shift your responses:

Acknowledge the Effort.
A simple, positive comment can be transformative. Instead of, “Finally!” try:

• “I see the effort you’re putting in, thank you.”
• “It’s great to have you here today.”

Psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset demonstrates that praising effort (not just results) builds resilience and encourages long-term growth.

Highlight the Positive.
Recognise even small wins. Positive reinforcement builds momentum. For example:

• “This is great progress, let’s build on it.”
• “You’re making a real impact with this effort.”

Celebrate Small Wins.
Don’t wait for major milestones to acknowledge progress. Small wins deserve recognition too, they create a sense of accomplishment and keep people motivated.

Use Curiosity Instead of Criticism.
If someone’s progress feels slow or inconsistent, resist the urge to criticise. Instead, approach with curiosity:

• “What made today feel different? You really brought your A-game!”
• “What’s been working for you lately? I’d love to hear more.”

The Ripple Effect of Encouragement

Encouraging effort goes beyond being nice, it creates an environment where people feel safe to grow, experiment, and take risks. Over time, this approach:

• Builds Confidence: Recognition boosts self-belief and encourages persistence.
• Strengthens Relationships: Positive feedback builds trust and goodwill.
• Inspires Others: When one person feels encouraged, it often motivates those around them to step up too.

When leaders focus on encouraging effort, they build environments where everyone is motivated to step up. As author and leadership expert Simon Sinek says, “Leadership is not about being in charge. It is about taking care of those in your charge.”

Don’t punish the behaviour you want to see

The next time someone takes a step forward, whether it’s showing up, trying harder, or taking on something new, pause to think about your response. Are you encouraging their effort or inadvertently discouraging it? Are you punishing the behaviour you want to see?

Progress doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does need to be nurtured. By celebrating effort, even in its smallest forms, we show others they’re seen, heard, and valued for trying.

It’s not about grand gestures or perfect outcomes. It’s about creating an environment where recognising effort is the norm and growth is possible. 

Giving and receiving feedback shouldn’t be hard, but many of us put off these conversations for fear of getting it wrong or feeling uncomfortable. If you’d like to elevate your feedback skills why not consider our 60-90 minute interactive masterclass? It’s a perfect way to upskill your team in a fun and engaging session.