How To Keep Your Cool During Arguments

I was recently travelling from London to the Lake District, and the train was delayed by 90 minutes. As we crawled through the Midlands, tension started to grow, not helped by the crowded service and some of us sitting on the floor. It didn’t take long before an angry passenger confronted the train guard about the delay. 

The conversation immediately felt like a boxing match, with verbal punches flying from both sides. The passenger was upset about the delay; the guard apologised but said it was out of her control. The passenger still wasn’t happy and accused the guard of not giving prompt information. Now, the guard was punching back and saying what do you expect me to do? Instead of diffusing the situation, the guard became defensive and angry, leading to a heated exchange. The passenger and the guard stormed off in different directions, leaving the situation unresolved and tensions high.

As an observer, it reminded me of the importance of keeping your cool during disagreements. Letting emotions take over is easy, but good communication and conflict resolution requires a calm and rational approach. Everyone you interact with is just another person, and at the end of the day, there’s a way for you both to talk to one another calmly and rationally, regardless of how deep the disagreement goes.

It all comes down to four things:

1. Set your ego aside

The first and most important step you have to take is setting your ego aside.

That means letting go of your ideas and opinions because it’s the only way to empathise with the other person fully. It also means not lashing out when someone disagrees with you or not being overbearing toward the other person.

Even in a work environment, if you feel told off, you may react like a petulant child because that would be a dynamic that suddenly feels familiar to your brain. You may start getting emotional.

Equally, if you become overbearing toward somebody else — e.g. speaking directly with a dominant opinion — they may work against you on purpose.

Unfortunately, two people playing the roles of a grumpy child and a frustrated parent rarely solve anything together.

Instead of recreating the parent-child dynamic, aim for the middle path—the “adult” path. Keep your tone neutral, speak slowly and softly, and use objective words. Resist the urge to defend your position and instead try to listen with the intent to understand rather than the intent to respond.

Objectivity is key, and this is where setting your opinions aside comes in.

2. Put yourself in their shoes

Once you’ve set aside your ego, the next step is to genuinely try to see the world through the other person’s eyes.

I like the phrase, “To walk in someone else’s shoes, you must take your shoes off first.” When you let go of your world perspective so completely, you can completely flip around as if you’re on the other side of the table. What does that person’s life look like? What are their values? What are they concerned about?

Every person you meet is fighting some kind of private battle you know nothing about.

This is key to human compassion — understanding that the other person’s frustration often has nothing to do with you. It’s everything that’s happened in their life up until the beginning of that moment.

Focus on empathy for the first 70% of a disagreement because people want to empathise for 5% of the conversation and then fight their corner for 95%. Remember: Empathy doesn’t mean you agree with that person. It’s simply a starting point for finding common ground.

3. Build a bridge between your viewpoints

After finding a common starting point, you can build a bridge between the two very different ideas on the table. An effective way of doing this is to prompt the other person for more information by being curious and asking open, neutral questions. You could say, “Tell me more,” or “Explain why this doesn’t work for you.”

In the case of the guard I mentioned above, she could have tried asking, “What could we have done differently?” “What would be the best way to resolve this?” Avoid leading questions such as ‘Don’t you think…?” which brings the focus back to your point of view.

Essentially, you want to encourage them to express their views in a non-judgmental environment.

When presented with the opportunity to talk, people often think, “This person cares about my opinion.” This can help reduce emotion in the conversation and create a safer space. Imagine standing where they are and reflecting back to check that you’ve understood. Use a soft tone, and avoid judgment or opinions of your own. 

Juggling this can be challenging, so this can be a good moment to check your breathing and composure. You may have a tense stomach, a high heart rate, or your whole body might feel tight. Do a quick body scan up and down. Is there a place where you are holding tension? Are you clenching one of your fists underneath the table and not even realising it?

When you release those areas, you’ll likely feel more at ease and ready to collaborate.

4. Consider another perspective

Finally, imagine you were having the conversation in a bar or relaxed environment with friends. Consider how you would react if a friend came up to you feeling upset, and you wanted to ease their pain. You can channel how you’d feel in that situation and apply it to the current disagreement, even if you have opposing opinions. Think to yourself, “If I were having a beer with this person, I’d be human with them. I’d be nodding along, using open body language, focusing on them, and letting them express their opinion.”

Once you’ve established this tone, you can collaborate to find common ground and a new focus you agree on. You can list things you’re unhappy with — or both happy with — and go from there toward a solution. 

Even after all of this, you may still disagree with the other person at the end of the conversation. You won’t always find a resolution to an argument. But it’s key that you’re able to walk away peacefully.

Yelling might seem like the best thing you can do at the time, but if you’re burning bridges with people, it’s rarely the answer to that conversation. By pulling back from your ego and finding common ground together, you can focus on what matters and approach disagreements calmly with a collaborative mindset.

As a former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss was involved in some of the most hostile situations in the world. His advice to manage conflict? He says “Our main desire is to be understood and accepted, safe, secure and in control”. Creating a safe environment throught empathy, curiousity and listening might just put us on path to better conversations.